Parents ask me regularly, “Am I Being Too Nice?” and “How Much Niceness Is Too Much Niceness?”. There are no studies to show the amount of niceness that you should bestow upon your children. In my opinion, up to 95% of the time you spend with their children is social or chit chat time. You can and should show all the love and affection you can in that time. You cannot spoil or ruin your children by giving them too much love. Put simply ... It’s Ok to be nice.

The other 5% of the time you are training, issuing orders, laying down the rules or getting relevant data so you can solve problems. At these times, the important thing to do is be persistent and clear. If you falter here, if you are nice instead of effective, you are going to lessen the respect, affection and cooperation you get from your children.

You do not have to be cold and callous or detached in any way when training your children. But you are not the friend at this point. You are the teacher, the trainer, and you must get your message across and be effective.

Sometimes being nice is misinterpreted to mean that the children get to guide their own lives. This doesn’t work at all. Children are big on energy and small on experience. Children need to learn how to distinguish right from wrong. They need to learn how to solve problems. This is part of the parent’s job. Once you really understand this, being a good parent gets simpler.

Children who are given major control of their lives at an early age don’t learn basic survival social skills. It reminds me of an old movie, “Being There” in which a man who’s only contact with the outside world is his television. When suddenly confronted by the real world, he attempts to “Change the channel” with the only tool he’s ever had, his remote control. The rest of the movie is about a man finding his place in the world. We must all find our place in the world. Make it easier on your children by being the parent when your children need one.

When one parent is the friend and the other the disciplinarian, each parent is off balance. The children associate niceness and discipline with specific roles when in fact niceness and discipline are needed by both father and mother. It is best if both parents learn to offer niceness and discipline when these are appropriate. In this way kindness and discipline are associated with what is appropriate for the time and event and not with parental roles.

As long as you keep your hat on as a trainer (5% of the time) you can shower your children with niceness (95% of the time) and not spoil them or ruin their lives.

Because at The Results Parents Advisory we are teaching parents how to train their children, people sometimes believe that we are mostly about discipline but that’s not the case. We are mostly about having fun. If you are a good trainer and a good friend, parenting is fun ... ALL THE TIME.

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